


Mermista vs. the World

by queer_occurrences



Category: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018), She-Ra: Princess Of Power (1985)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Scott Pilgrim vs. the World Fusion, Arm Wrestling, BAMF Mermista, BAMF Scorpia, Exes, Gaming, Idiots in Love, Multi, Power of Friendship, Shanty-Off
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24363289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queer_occurrences/pseuds/queer_occurrences
Summary: Mermista keeps having dreams about a man with horrible fashion sense. Then she meets him in real life, and he’s, like. He’s fine. Whatever.The next thing she knows, she’s locked in a battle with Sea Hawk’s seven evil exes, and she has to beat them all before she can date him. Which is stupid, because she doesn’t even like him.Like, at all.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra & Mermista (She-Ra), Mermista & Perfuma (She-Ra), Mermista/Sea Hawk (She-Ra), Perfuma/Scorpia (She-Ra), Scorpia & Sea Hawk (She-Ra)
Comments: 184
Kudos: 226





	1. Press Play to Start

Dressed in a billowing Hawaiian shirt, with a red handkerchief around his neck and dangling earrings, he zoomed across the blank brown beach. His arms were stretched out wide, his brown hair—held back by a truly ridiculous black headband—fluttering in the wind. He had a handlebar moustache. He was wearing thigh high roller skates.

Mermista ran after him. She couldn’t let him get away this time. But her feet sank into the sand, she was so slow, she wasn’t fast enough—

“Who are you?” she bellowed. “What the fuck are you doing?”

_ Bzz. Bzz. _

_ Bzz. Bzz. _

“No,” Mermista moaned, “no, not yet—“

She was awake. She stared at the ceiling.

“Stupid nightmare,” she said, and then, “fuck.”

*

“Let me see,” said Perfuma, “what else?” She stirred more sugar into her tea. “Catra and Adora are fighting…”

“Didn’t they have some big fight, like, last week?”

“You know they struggle with showing affection,” Perfuma told her solemnly. “I offered them a discount on couples counseling with Shadow Weaver at Bright Moon, but they didn’t seem interested.”

Bright Moon was the hippie gym—sorry, “mind, body and spirit care center”—where Perfuma worked as a yoga instructor. 

“I don’t blame them. Shadow Weaver gives me the creeps.” Mermista took a sip of her tea. It was nice and bitter, and hot. Like her.

“How are you?” said Perfuma.

“Ugh,” said Mermista. She put her head in her hands. “I had the stupid dream again.”

Perfuma peered at her. “Why do you think it keeps happening?”

“I don’t know. I think maybe it’s my cosmic punishment for, like, fashion hubris?”

“Fashion hubris?”

“You know, being too good at fashion. And, like, smug about it.”

“I don’t think nightmares are a punishment for hubris,” said Perfuma. “They usually come from the subconscious. You’re sure you’ve never seen him before?”

“I would have remembered him,” said Mermista. “Trust me.”

“It’s always the same?”

“Always. He rolls past me, in roller skates, on the beach, who does that—and he’s in this—god awful getup, like he just crawled out of the sales section of a Florida tourist shop, or—that’s not it, it’s like—Hot Topic. But neon. And for pirates. And do you want to know the worst part?” 

Perfuma looked a little concerned.

“What’s,” she said hesitantly, “what’s the worst part?”

Mermista leaned in. “The worst part…is that he  _ sort of pulls it off.” _

Perfuma stared at her for several moments.

“Mermista,” she said finally, “are you sure you’re doing okay?”

“I’m fine,” said Mermista.

It was mostly true. She saw a therapist once in a blue moon. She had too many friends to know what to do with, good friends, even though Bow and Glimmer were disgustingly well-adjusted and Entrapta was still dating that creepy guy from Horde Fitness. She had a job that she liked and was good at. She had no logical reason to be lonely.

“Well,” said Perfuma, her eyes still narrow with worry that should have been endearing, but was irritating—what was wrong with Mermista?—“hopefully tonight will get your mind off it.”

“Ugh,” said Mermista out of habit. “When are we meeting Scorpia and her, you know, her friend?”

“Six.” Perfuma checked the slender pink FitBit on her wrist. “Not long.”

“And what was Scorpia’s friend’s name again?”

“S—“ Perfuma caught herself. “Nice try. I’m not telling you anything. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”

“I’m going to hate her.”

“Him.”

“Him?”

“Darn it,” said Perfuma.

Mermista hated blind dates. But Perfuma had a system for new relationships, which involved friends babysitting her on her dates so that they could assure her that she had done nothing wrong when she was sitting heartbroken by the phone. 

Perfuma got rejected a lot.

Anyway, if Mermista hated blind dates, she absolutely loathed being a third wheel. And Scorpia had sworn up and down that Mermista would like her friend. Apparently, they had a lot in common.

*

“Sorry, guys,” said Scorpia when she showed up—ten minutes late!—at the entrance of the theme park, Salineas. “So sorry! I got held up. I had to swaddle Catra in blankets and spoon-feed her ice cream. So sorry. I came as fast as I could. Again, so, so sorry. Here are the tickets. I’m sorry. You—“ She stopped dead in her tracks and turned bright red. “You look great, Perfuma.”

“Thanks,” said Perfuma, breathless. She had to shield her face from the sun to look Scorpia in the eyes. “So do you.”

As a member of their friend group, even a fringe one, Scorpia was a risk. So Mermista surveyed her with practiced skepticism, looking for signs. Lateness was not a good sign. Talking about another girl—her ex, no less—was not a good sign. Closeness to an ex, in general, was a pretty fucking terrible sign. Scorpia’s numerous apologies were…almost enough to make up for it. Her outfit—a cute, well-fitting black top, a skirt like a toga revealing a slice of her leg all the way up, and an old fashioned black hat with a wide brim that made her look like Audrey Hepburn—was…acceptable. Barely.

“Where’s your friend?” said Perfuma.

“Oh,” said Scorpia, “see, I was supposed to pick him up, but I was late, and by the time I got to his place, he’d already left.”

“Ugh,” said Mermista.

“I’m sure he’ll show up soon, if we just wait…”

Mermista sighed.

“You guys go,” said Mermista. “I’ll wait for him.”

“Are you sure? I’m sorry—“

“Ugh! Stop apologizing. What does he look like?”

Scorpia looked uncomfortable.

“He’s got, uh, kind of brown hair,” she said. “And a moustache.”

“A what?”

Scorpia’s hand went awkwardly to the back of her neck. “I mean, he’s hard to miss.”

That wasn’t ominous.

“What’s his name?” Mermista tried.

“Oh! Sea Hawk.”

“Like the football team?”

“Yeah. But two words.”

Mermista and Perfuma locked eyes. Perfuma wilted apologetically in her pretty dress, with her pretty flower earrings and her makeup that Mermista had helped her do.

Mermista reached deep inside of herself for strength she didn’t know she had.

“Okay, then,” she said. “I’ll stay here…and wait for…Sea Hawk.”

“Here’s his ticket,” said Scorpia, pressing it into her hand. “And again, I am so—“

“Ugh,” said Mermista.

*

After fifteen more minutes had passed, Mermista started to get really mad. 

Because she’d dressed up for this. She looked nice. And just because Mermista  _ hated  _ blind dates didn’t mean her date was allowed to. It was rude, okay?

And, if she was being honest, there was—like—a little part of her, a really tiny fraction, that had hoped that she’d maybe sort of like the guy. Maybe even sort of like him enough to go on a few dates and have someone to talk to for a little while before the whole thing ended in fire.

Oh, well. At least she had something to bitch about now besides the stupid dream.

“SCORPIA!” came a yell from the crowd.

Mermista looked, and she saw him.

It was  _ him. _

He was wearing a blue crop jacket with a gold trim and a white top that was jagged at the bottom, like someone had taken scissors to it—and it had a square neckline and a  _ triangular chest window. _ There was the red handkerchief, and that wasn’t a thing, okay, and the little bangle earrings, and the handlebar moustache that made him look like an off brand Hercule Poirot. His boots weren’t roller skates this time, thank God, but they were obnoxious. In the absence of his usual black headband, he’d tried to gel his hair back, but, like. It hadn’t worked. His hair kept flopping down onto his face.

“Oh, my God,” said Mermista. 

She grabbed him by his collar as he passed. He flailed.

“It’s you,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” he said, hanging from her grip, “do I know you?”

“Yeah, you do, you’re—“

She froze.

“You’re Sea Hawk,” she said.

“I am,” he said, twisting to face her, “I am. And you are—“

Whatever words he was about to say didn’t make it out. His eyes widened and got all round and bright. A blush rose to his cheeks.

“I’m Mermista,” said Mermista.

“M—Mermista,” Sea Hawk stammered.

Mermista let him go. He straightened his jacket, his eyes still fixed on her like she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, or something else stupid. Mermista was hot, but, like, not that hot. He had to stop looking at her like that.

“Oh, my God,” said Mermista. “You. You’re Sea Hawk. Sea Hawk is—you.”

“I—yes.” He looked distinctly less confident the second time. “I’m Sea Hawk.”

“Do you recognize me?”

“Recog—recognize you?”

Mermista folded her arms. “You’ve never seen me before?”

He gulped. “Never.”

“Really.”

“I would—I would remember,” said Sea Hawk. “Why? Have you—seen me?”

Mermista blinked at him.

“Whatever,” she said. “I’m, like, going crazy.”

She slapped his ticket into his hand. “Here’s your ticket. Let’s—get in line, or whatever.”

Sea Hawk held his ticket aloft. “ONWARD,” he said, doing a little jig in place. “To ADVENTURE!”

“Ugh, just come  _ on,” _ said Mermista.

He had to break into a jog to keep up with her, and somehow they had started holding hands. Which was, ugh, but Mermista’s hands were always cold, and Sea Hawk’s were warm, but in the nice way, not the sweaty way.

“Deepest apologies for my lateness,” said Sea Hawk. “I was mixed up by the bus. It spat me out somewhere I didn’t intend to be.”

Mermista had to let go of his hand so the lady at the entrance could stamp it. Sea Hawk stared at the stamp—a little cartoony octopus—with nothing short of awe. It explained the staring from earlier. Sea Hawk just looked at everything like that. It wasn’t disappointing. Whatever.

She got the stamp, too. It tickled her skin. The octopus was kind of cute. Sea Hawk grabbed her hand right after, anyway, so she couldn’t look at it for long.

“What’s with the outfit?” said Mermista.

“Thank you. Yours is lovely,” said Sea Hawk. “Not as lovely as you, of course.” He hesitated. “Is this your first time at Salineas?”

“Um,” said Mermista. “I work at Sea Gate, so, no.”

“Oh, really! I once was employed at the Dragon’s Daughter, myself.” 

Mermista’s nose wrinkled. “The pub?”

“A fine establishment. But I was forced to leave after the fire.”

“Oh, yeah. What happened with that?”

“I set it on fire.” 

“You—“

“CHURROS!” He pointed.

“Uh,” said Mermista, and Sea Hawk was already gone. “Ugh.”

She called Perfuma.

“Mermista!” Perfuma shrieked gleefully.

“I lost him,” said Mermista. “Perfuma. It’s him.”

“Sea Hawk?”

“Sea Hawk is him.”

“Is who?”

“Ugh. I’ll explain later. Where are you?”

“We’re outside the Watery Grave.”

“Fuck. I love that ride. Wait for me, okay? I need one of those backpack leashes.”

“MERMISTA,” sang someone directly into her ear.

“FUCK,” Mermista yelled, and jumped half a foot in the air, dropped the phone and also slapped Sea Hawk across the face. He looked a little stunned, and more than a little awed.

“Churros,” he said, brandishing them.

Mermista bent and picked up her cell.

“You have got to give me warning next time,” she said. “Also, stop sneaking off.”

He nodded and offered her one of the churros. She took it. It was warm and greasy, oozing an intoxicating cinnamon scent.

“Bet I can finish mine first,” she said.

Sea Hawk’s eyes narrowed. A curl of gelled brown hair clung to his forehead.

“I am undefeated in eating contests of any kind,” Sea Hawk informed her gravely.

“Five bucks?” said Mermista.

“Very well.”

*

Six hours later, Mermista remembered to check her phone and found twenty-four missed calls from Perfuma.

“Shit,” she said.

“This one?” Sea Hawk asked, lifting a floppy orange hat shaped like a starfish from the rack.

“No, the fish.” She hit redial. Perfuma picked up after only one ring.

“Mermista, it’s been hours. Where are you? Have you been kidnapped? Please say you haven’t been kidnapped.”

“I’m fine. I’m with Sea Hawk.” Sea Hawk gestured to the fish hat, which he had on backwards so that the tail jutted out like a prow. Mermista stifled a laugh and gave him a thumbs up. “I’m sorry I didn’t pick up. I didn’t hear it.”

“Oh.” Perfuma paused. “Are you and Sea Hawk having fun?”

“Ugh, no. He’s, like, so annoying.”

In the mirror, Sea Hawk’s face fell. Mermista quashed a wave of guilt.

“We were going to find you,” she continued, “but we kept getting sidetracked.”

Mermista refused to take the blame for that. It wasn’t her fault that Sea Hawk had, like, no dignity, and would do pretty much anything if he thought it would impress her, including but not limited to buying increasingly ridiculous items of clothing from vendors. He had also bought her a shell necklace that was not ridiculous at all, and they had competed for who could eat the most sushi, and then Mermista had won, like, fifty bucks off of him going on Horrors of the Deep over and over. He always bet that he wouldn’t scream, and he always did, and Mermista always died laughing until he got all red in the face and looked at her in  _ that  _ way that ruined the whole thing.

“Scorpia and I are leaving,” said Perfuma. “Do you want to meet us? Or if you’re having fun, you don’t have to.”

Mermista hesitated. Sea Hawk shot her a questioning glance from under the hat.

“We’ll meet you at the entrance in five minutes,” she said, and hung up.

The whole glow of the day was gone, all of a sudden, and Sea Hawk’s hand in hers as they walked back was, well, it was, like, complicated, because all of a sudden it occurred to her that maybe this had all been another dream.

She stopped before they reached the entrance. “Give me your number,” she said.

Sea Hawk nodded. He whisked out a feather pen, which was a ridiculous thing for him to have on hand, but this was Sea Hawk. “Do you have parchment on hand?”

She shoved her hand at him, the one with the octopus. He wrote on it very slowly, the tip gentle on her skin. When he was finished, he lifted her hand and pressed it to his lips.

Mermista swallowed. Her heart clenched.

“That’s,” she said. “That’s really stupid. Don’t do that.”

She snatched her hand back and ignored the look on his face.

“Thanks for the number, though,” she said. “Maybe I’ll call you.”


	2. Level 1

“Maybe he’s my nemesis,” said Mermista. “Fated to thwart me at every turn.”

“Or,” said Perfuma, “maybe he’s your soulmate.”

“No way. I hate him. He’s an idiot.”

She hadn’t dreamed about Sea Hawk the night before, and she wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

“Really?” said Perfuma. “The two of you seemed like you were—“

“You don’t know,” said Mermista. “Okay?”

Past-Mermista had liked Sea Hawk. More than the little bit of maybe kind of liking that she had been ready for. More than the couple of dates and it’s over way of liking that had been her dating experience for—God. Forever. But past-Mermista was an idiot, obviously. After a terrible night’s sleep and a gallon or so of coffee, present-Mermista had her head on straight. 

That morning, she had tried to wash off the number. She had expected it to fade easily, like the octopus or the warmth in her hand. But Sea Hawk’s stupid fluffy feather pen must have been waterproof, or something.

“So,” said Mermista, “how was Scorpia?”

Perfuma lit up as though from the inside.

*

Mermista sank into the chair of her boss’ office.

“You wanted to see me, sir?” said Mermista.

“Yes,” said Mr. Mercier. “I just got off the phone with Falcon.”

“Wait,” said Mermista. “ _ The  _ Falcon?”

“The very same. He has asked me to send you over to speak with him at his establishment, the Dragon’s Daughter.”

“Me?” said Mermista. “You’re sure he said me?”

Mr. Mercier fixed her with a look.

“Sir,” Mermista added belatedly.

“The Falcon sits at the head of all decisions in Salineas,” said Mr. Mercier. “For whatever reason, he has taken an interest in you. I would advise you to not waste this opportunity with your…” His lip curled. “Attitude.”

Mermista glared.

“Yes,” she said, “sir.”

“If he poaches you,” said Mr. Mercier, “it will be an honor.” He surveyed Mermista skeptically. “You may be a credit to the Sea Gate after all.”

“Wow, thanks,” said Mermista dully. “Sir.”

*

The Dragon’s Daughter was the ridiculously overpriced pub on the outskirts of Salineas. People made a big deal about how it was, like, hidden, and you needed to be in the know to get in, but there was a giant dragon on the door. It wasn’t hard.

“You have a reservation?” said the man when she opened the door. The clicking of bottles and roar of inebriated conversation could be heard from the dimly lit interior.

“I’m here to see Falcon,” said Mermista.

His eyebrows went up behind his sunglasses. “You?”

“Uh, yeah,” said Mermista, “obviously.” She folded her arms and tapped her foot in a shoe of impatience. “Don’t you know who you’re talking to?”

The man gave her a wary look.

“Give me a second,” he said.

As he left, Mermista let the door close behind her. 

The Dragon’s Daughter was nice. It was nicer than she had expected—less snooty, and more…wooden. Sea Hawk’s fire didn’t seem to have changed their decorating tendencies. There was a figurehead of a woman with her hands clasped mounted on the wall, greying photos of old ships, and a glossy ship’s wheel. Nets and ropes hung from the ceiling. There were shells embedded in the hardwood floor.

It was impossible to picture Sea Hawk in this place. Did he serve drinks? Did he wear the understated white blouse and brown vest of the employees? Did they make him leave his handkerchief at the door?

Some of the people at the bar, in their nice suits and dresses, glanced at her curiously. Mermista sneered at them until they looked away.

The man from the door returned. “Falcon will see you now.”

He set off down the hall. Mermista followed him past the bathrooms and a row of gleaming sword replicas, ordered by length. They turned down another hallway, dark and narrow, that had a stuffed parrot on a pedestal. It gave Mermista the evil eye, and Mermista glared right back.

At the end of the hallway was a door. FALCON, it read in big letters. The man opened it.

Falcon was filing his nails. He had long brown hair, well cared for—lots of shine and volume, what conditioner did he use? His brown eyes were flat, unreadable, his eyebrows delicately arched. He was wearing a tasteful boat-neck shirt, teal, with a darker bodice that slimmed his waist and a gold cummerbund. Expensive without being flouncy. Pirate chic.

He also had an eyepatch, which was a little more blatant. The skull of some unidentifiable mammal stared Mermista down from his desk.

“Please,” said Falcon. “Sit.”

Mermista sat.

“Why do you have a skull on your desk?” said Mermista.

“Is there a problem?”

“No, I just want one.”

“A good skull is hard to find. I can put you in touch with some dealers.” He surveyed her gravely. “I understand you’re seeing a man called Sea Hawk.”

“I’m not seeing him,” said Mermista. “I saw him.”

“You got his number.”

“How do you know that?”

Falcon shrugged. “Are you going to call him?”

“No.” Mermista shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know. Why do you care?”

“I called you here to issue a warning,” said Falcon. “If you continue to see Sea Hawk, the League of Evil Exes will have no choice but to attack.”

“Uh,” said Mermista, “what?”

“The League of Evil Exes,” Falcon repeated.

Mermista stared.

“Like,” she said, “exes in general?”

“The exes of Sea Hawk.”

“Right,” said Mermista slowly. “And. Why are you evil?”

“Popular vote.”

“Right. Why are they attacking?”

“No one is allowed to date Sea Hawk who has not first bested each of the seven exes in their chosen combat.”

“Seven?”

“Are you surprised?”

“Mostly jealous,” said Mermista. “Like, if seven people liked me that much, I probably wouldn’t be here.”

“Your choice is simple,” said Falcon. “End your romantic pursuit of Sea Hawk immediately or face the wrath of the League.”

“Ugh—I told you, I’m not pursuing Sea Hawk. I don’t even like him.”

“Then you’ll have no trouble agreeing never to see him again.”

Mermista stared at Falcon, eyes narrowed. Falcon stared back, eyes narrower.

“Just seven,” said Mermista, “right?”

“One of them is me.”

“That’s not a problem.”

Falcon’s face twisted into wrath.

“I challenge you,” he said, “to an arm wrestling match. Do you accept my challenge?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” said Mermista, rolling up her right sleeve.

Falcon plunked his arm onto the desk. His bicep was impressive, but, like, not that impressive. Mermista laced their fingers together, resting her elbow on the desktop. Ugh, his hand was sweaty. Sea Hawk’s number stood out on Mermista’s skin, his round, careful handwriting, the way he looped his 2’s.

“On one,” said Falcon. Mermista dug her right foot into the ground, clutching the edge of the desk with her left hand.

“Three.” She adjusted her grip, bending her wrist forward and turning her palm in towards herself, her hand high on Falcon’s meaty palm to attack the top of his hand rather than the base.

“Two.” She lowered her shoulder, grounding it in the muscles of her back. Which were, like, really strong.

“One.”

He strained. Mermista pried his hand over, bending the wrist back, to its weakest point. Falcon began to go red in the face.

“Getting tired already?” said Mermista, and put her back into it. He grunted.

“You will not,” Falcon snarled, “win him.”

He heaved. Mermista held strong. She shoved, and his arm snapped back onto the desk, his fist hitting the wood so hard it left a crack.

Mermista disentangled their fingers. She shook her wrist out.

“You should probably get that looked at,” she said. “Arm wrestling can be dangerous, you know.”

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone, dialing.

“MERMISTA,” said Sea Hawk before the first ring had ended.

“Hey, Sea Hawk,” said Mermista. “How does dinner tonight sound?”

“REALLY? I—“

“Six?” She opened the door.

“I WOULD LOVE TO—“

“I’ll pick you up.”

“You’re making a mistake,” Falcon growled from the desk.

“WONDERFUL,” said Sea Hawk. “I AWAIT YOUR ARRIVAL WITH—“

“Great!” said Mermista. The office door swung closed behind her. “It’s a date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments literally make my day!!  
> In other news Mermista could drown me in the Mariana Trench and I’d say thanks


	3. Level 2

Perfuma called her while she was buttoning up her top. Mermista balanced the phone on her shoulder and set about choosing a jacket. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Bow’s having a birthday bash! Are you coming?”

“Wait, tonight?” said Mermista.

“Yup!”

“Ugh. I can’t, I can’t do tonight.”

“You can’t? Why not?”

“I—“ Heat rose to Mermista’s cheeks. “I’m…working late.”

“Oh,” said Perfuma, “oh, no. Can you come later?”

“Well…maybe?”

“How late can they keep you?”

“I don’t know. Um…”

“You could come at 8, right?”

“Uh,” said Mermista, “probably.”

“Great! I’ll tell Bow you’re coming at 8.”

“Great,” said Mermista. “That’s great.”

“What are they having you do, anyway?”

“Oh, look at that, I have to go,” said Mermista, and hung up the phone.

After some deliberation, she selected her navy jacket with turquoise and gold epaulets, because it would go with her navy slacks and her gold and turquoise belt. Mermista had a color scheme, okay? She also had a hat that she was very proud of, that she hadn’t gotten a chance to wear for ages, because her love life was, like, ugh.

Should she wear her black pumps with gold heels or her gold sandals set with turquoise stones?

“Ugh,” said Mermista, and called the only person who would not be at Bow’s birthday bash and also had an ounce of fashion sense.

The phone rang six times before Catra picked up.

“Water girl,” she said.

“I need you to come over,” said Mermista, “and tell me which shoes to wear, and not ask questions and not tell anyone.”

Catra hummed. “What’s rocked your boat?”

“I said no questions.”

“Fine,” said Catra. “What’s in it for me?”

Mermista groaned. “I’ll owe you.”

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

As soon as Adora had introduced her girlfriend to her friends, Catra had gone about putting each of them in debt to her. It was one of the less destructive ways her abandonment issues manifested, so, whatever.

Catra pounded on Mermista’s door, and Mermista opened it.

“You look, like, terrible,” said Mermista.

“Gee, thanks,” said Catra. She had dark circles under her eyes, her hair was messy, and she was wearing a Adora’s old top that she had stolen a long time ago and turned into a crop top. Her eyes raked over Mermista’s body. “Fancy. Who’s the lucky lady?”

“I said,” said Mermista, “no questions.”

“Who do you think I’m going to tell?”

Mermista sighed.

“His name’s Sea Hawk,” she said.

Catra burst out laughing.

“Stop,” said Mermista.

“To each their own, I guess. Sea Hawk’s going to faint when he sees you.”

“I hope not.”

“Dead away,” said Catra. She squinted thoughtfully. “The black shoes. And black lipstick. To match your nails.”

“Isn’t that a little,” said Mermista, “like, goth?”

“So are you.” She shrugged. “I have some in my purse, if you want.”

“I’d,” said Mermista. “I’d like that.”

*

Sea Hawk made a little noise when he opened the door, and his eyes got big and round again. Mermista shoved a bouquet of irises into his hands.

“Come on,” she said. “Let’s go.”

She got a couple of strides down the hallway before Sea Hawk said, “MERMISTA,” and she looked back.

“The flowers,” said Sea Hawk. “Water…have to…put them in.” His face was very red. “Come inside?”

“Sure, whatever,” said Mermista.

Sea Hawk’s apartment was, like.

She wasn’t sure what she had expected. But she definitely hadn’t expected something so…normal. Bare.

It was small, probably three or four rooms. The living room had an armchair and a coffee table and blank white walls. Sea Hawk bustled into the kitchen, humming something that sounded suspiciously pirate-y. Mermista folded her arms over her chest. She followed him.

The kitchen was better. He had a big window with a homemade blue anchor sun catcher stuck in the corner. Pots and pans were stacked on the countertop in the way of someone who could never find what he needed when he needed it.

Sea Hawk gawked at her as he took a mason jar out of the cupboard. She pretended not to notice.

“You’re even more beautiful today,” said Sea Hawk. “And I didn’t think that was possible.”

What was Mermista supposed to say to that? She settled on a noncommittal “Ugh,” and watched him fill the jar with water out of the corner of her eye.

He looked kind of okay, which was probably a sign that Mermista had already hung around him too much and he had already infected her with his terrible fashion sense. His jacket was, like, almost exactly the same as hers, which would have been embarrassing if Mermista’s jacket wasn’t so awesome. A touch lighter blue, with gold epaulets, over a white V-neck that was artistically gathered at his gold belt in a way that was supposed to be casual and had definitely taken him at least an hour in front of a mirror. His neck was adorned with a gold collar necklace.

Sea Hawk arranged the irises delicately in the jar and placed them on the kitchen table, a small, round and wooden one with two chairs. He looked up at Mermista and smiled, and God, it was like he fucking  _ sparkled. _

He might have been…a little pretty.

Mermista might have been kind of a little bit out of her depth. 

She swallowed.

“Let’s go already,” she said.

Sea Hawk offered her his arm. She took it.

“ROMANCE,” he crowed, and Mermista groaned.

*

The Enchanted Grotto was the kind of place that should have been way too expensive for Mermista, but at the peak of her anarchist phase a few years back, she had figured out how to sneak in. And somehow, she didn’t think Sea Hawk would mind.

“Here we go,” said Mermista.

Mops and buckets cluttered up the floor.

“This is it?” said Sea Hawk.

“No, this is the broom closet,” said Mermista. She pushed the door open a centimeter and peeked out. People in fancy dress stood around talking, or sat at tables with tankards. No one was looking their way.

“All clear.” 

“Mermista,” Sea Hawk breathed, high-pitched, “what—“

She grabbed his hand, ignoring his sharp inhale. “Come on.”

They walked out into the grotto, holding hands. Sea Hawk’s eyes were like stars.

Water was everywhere, behind glass. Sea creatures leered at them from the walls, from the ceiling, gliding listlessly above their heads. At one end of the restaurant was a stage, with a curtain of red velvet and a single microphone.

“This,” Sea Hawk whispered, holding Mermista’s hand so tightly it hurt, “is the most incredible thing I’ve ever done. You…” He exhaled in a rush. “…are incredible.”

“Quit it,” said Mermista.

_ “ADVENTURE,”  _ Sea Hawk whispered in her ear, his breath tickling her cheek, and Mermista  _ giggled. _

“Blend in,” she said. “Look fancy.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

They sidled up to the bar and clambered onto two empty stools. Mermista realized she was still holding Sea Hawk’s hand and dropped it hastily.

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” said Sea Hawk. “Something you should…know—“

“About the exes?”

His eyes went wide.

“Yeah,” said Mermista, “I already beat one.” She shrugged. “It shouldn’t be hard. I’m, like, way more badass than anyone you’ve ever dated.”

His eyes got bigger.

“You’ve got to stop doing that. Your eyeballs are going to explode.”

“What’ll you be having?” said the bartender.

“I’ll have the vodka Dead Man’s Float,” said Mermista, “and he’ll have an iced lemonade—“

“An ale, please,” said Sea Hawk with dignity. 

The bartender nodded and swept away.

A singer took the stage, and the room fluttered with polite applause. 

“How long have you had that apartment?” said Mermista.

“Two or three months,” said Sea Hawk. “Before that I was in Texas, and before that I was in Maine—and Florida. I went to Greece for a while, but that didn’t work out, so I…” He walked his fingers across the surface of the bar. “Fled…to Paris. And then I—“

“Hang on,” said Mermista. “You’ve only been here for two months?”

“Or three,” said Sea Hawk.

“You dated seven people,” said Mermista, “in two months?”

“Oh, more,” said Sea Hawk. “Those are the…violent ones.”

Mermista stared at him.

“Does that bother you?”

“No,” said Mermista. “I mean, whatever.”

She twisted away from him to look at the stage.

“How are you all doing tonight?” said the singer. Another rustle of applause. “Because I’m doing terribly.”

Purple fabric was wrapped around their chest in a makeshift tube top. White hair poked out over a purple headband and big hoop earrings dangled from their ears. Their eyebrows were thick and feathery.

“This one goes out to the love of my life,” said Purple. “And the little bitch who’s vying for his heart. A girl by the name of  _ Mermista.” _

Mermista froze. So did Sea Hawk.

“Oh, dear,” said Sea Hawk.

“Behind the bar,” said Mermista, “now.”

“Nonsense. I must defend you, my—“

Mermista grabbed him by his V-neck and dragged him in close. “Call me your anything, and you’ll be next,” she said. “Now  _ get.” _

“Is she here tonight?” said Purple, as Sea Hawk dove behind the bar. “Mermista?”

Mermista climbed on top of it. 

With the heels of her shoes precariously balanced on the polished hardwood, she managed to stand with minimal wobbling. Purple’s eyes found her.

“Would you look at that,” said Purple. “In the flesh.”

Murmurs swept through the crowd. Heads turned towards Mermista.

Mermista put her hands on her hips. “What do you want?”

“I want a lot of things.” Purple’s eyes glittered. “I’d like you dead. I’d like him dead. I’d like—“

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Who’s to say, fedora?”

“Uh,” said Mermista, “me. And isn’t killing Sea Hawk against the rules of the League of Assholes, or whatever?”

“How did you know that?” Purple snapped.

“I didn’t. But I figured if you could kill him, he’d probably be dead by now, because he’s not exactly charming.” She paused. “Don’t you have to challenge me?”

Purple smiled, showing pebbly teeth. “I challenge you to a shanty-off.”

There was a stifled shriek from behind the bar.

_ “MERMISTA,”  _ Sea Hawk hissed.

“I’m assuming Sea Hawk isn’t allowed to help me?” said Mermista.

“No, he is.”

“All you have to do,” whispered Sea Hawk urgently, “is clutch your chest, fling your arm out and say ‘OH,’ and the Spirit of Shanty will take it from there—“

“Is it because his advice is shit?” said Mermista.

Purple’s smile widened. “Yes.”

A microphone appeared suddenly in Mermista’s hand.

“Doesn’t it need, like, a cord?” said Mermista.

“It’s wireless.” Purple cleared their throat, clutched their chest, flung their arm out, and began. “Oh—“

“Who decides?” said Mermista.

“What?”

“Who wins. Is it Sea Hawk?”

“It’s the audience.” Purple extended their arm again.  _ “Oh—“ _

“Does it have to be a shanty?”

“Yes.”

“What makes it a shanty?” said Mermista. “‘Cause pirate culture is, like, really diverse.”

Purple’s mouth tightened.

“I guess as long as it rhymes,” they said.

“Whatever,” said Mermista.

_ “Oh,”  _ Purple began again, and an accordion started up from somewhere nebulous.

“When the seas are rough and dire

We turn to friends and we conspire—“

There was a gasp from behind the bar.

“To relight the sacred fire

Of piracy—“

A hand tugged on Mermista’s pant leg. Mermista squeaked and stomped on it. Sea Hawk yelped.

_ “MERMISTA—“ _

“Could you stop?”

“They’re stealing my song,” Sea Hawk hissed. “That’s my song—“

“When the king raises his voice

Against our daring sea exploits

We stand tall, gather our poise

For piracy—“

“But now it’s about piracy,” Sea Hawk spat, “it was about friendship—“

“We slap an eyepatch on our eye

We hang our pirate flag up high

We shake our pirate fists and cry

For piracy!”

The audience went wild.

“They cut out the part about how it’s fun to be friends with friends,” said Sea Hawk, aghast.

“Yeah, whatever,” said Mermista. “Sea Hawk, you have to help me.”

“What? Why?”

“I’ve never sung a shanty in my life. I don’t know what to—“

“Nonsense! You’ll do fine. Sing from the heart!”

“No, I—“

“I believe in you, Mermista.”

“UGH,” said Mermista.

“Your turn,” said Purple.

The audience turned to her, faces expectant.

Mermista cleared her throat.

“Uh,” she said. She looked to the middle distance, where the accordion music seemed to have come from. “Hit it.”

It began. Mermista closed her eyes. 

“You can’t keep me down,” she sang,

“Can’t throw this Princess around

Cause you know how this all ends—

With, uh, punches and kicks, and—“

She looked frantically to Sea Hawk.

“Magical tricks,” he whispered.

“Ugh—magical tricks,” said Mermista. “On each other we all depend

‘Cause it’s fun to fight hard with friends…”

She glanced down at Sea Hawk again. He was bopping, eyes closed, to the beat. She smiled despite herself.

“I’ll blast you away

And fight another day

For—uh—Salineas!

Yeah, it’s fun to fight hard with friends!”

The crowd broke into applause again. Purple’s eyes narrowed.

“That was brilliant,” said Sea Hawk.

“It was pretty cool,” said Mermista.

Purple tapped on their microphone. The sound cut through the audience’s applause, which died amid whispers and confusion.

The accordion began again.

“99 bottles of beer on the wall,

99 bottles of beer…”

Cheers and applause from the audience. They began to clap to the rhythm.

“What?” said Mermista. “That’s not fair. How is that allowed?”

“What are we going to do?”

“Take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall—“

“They want dirty,” said Mermista, “we’ll give them dirty.”

“Say no more,” said Sea Hawk, and pulled a lighter out of his jacket.

“What—no—you just had that?”

Sea Hawk popped it back into his pocket. “Never mind. What was your idea?”

“Take one down, pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall—“

Mermista stomped one foot. Then the other. Then she clapped.

_ Stomp-stomp-clap. _

_ Stomp-stomp-clap. _

And the audience began to turn.

_ Stomp-stomp-clap. _

_ Stomp-stomp-clap. _

The singing stopped. Purple tried to keep going, but their voice was drowned out by the  _ stomp-stomp-clap. _

_ Stomp-stomp-clap. _

The room shook with it. It trembled.

_ Stomp-stomp-clap. _

_ Stomp-stomp-clap. _

Mermista raised the microphone and began to sing.

“Buddy, you’re a boy, make a big noise

Playing in the street, gonna be a big man someday

You got mud on your face

Big disgrace

Kicking your can all over the place, singin’

WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU”—and the place exploded with it.  _ Stomp-stomp-clap.  _ “WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU!”

_ Stomp-stomp-clap. _

*

They stumbled out into the night air.

“We won,” said Mermista.

“You were magnificent,” said Sea Hawk.

“You were—“ She stopped herself. “You—“ She swallowed.

She sighed.

“Oh, my God,” she said.

“Mermista?” said Sea Hawk.

She leaned in.

His eyes went the widest they’d ever been, but he met her halfway. His lips were soft, and it was a sweet kiss, slow, with his hands tangled up in her hair and hers resting gingerly on his shirt, like she couldn’t trust it with her weight, because it was going to go away and she’d stumble.

They came up for air, breathless.

“Mermista,” Sea Hawk breathed.

“Yeah?”

“I think—“ Their foreheads bumped together. “I think you forgot your hat.”

“Oh,” said Mermista, “fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I get a comment my heart grows three sizes


	4. 3 and 4 (at once! She’s on a roll!)

“Would you stop setting me on fire?” said Mermista.

“Apologies,” said Sea Hawk. His dragon avatar moved away from Mermista’s water golem, heading into the woods, belching fireballs as it went. “I seem to be having trouble controlling—“

“No, don’t—get over here and help me fight this guy, he’s—“ The troll swung at her again, and the water golem melted on impact. “Going to kill me.”

GAME OVER flashed on the screen.

“Ugh,” said Mermista. 

“Sorry,” said Sea Hawk.

She shrugged. “Whatever. Pass the nori?” Sea Hawk handed her the little plastic container of seaweed rectangles. “Thanks.”

Her phone buzzed. She dug it out of her pocket.

“Who is it?” Sea Hawk asked.

PERFUMA flashed across the screen. Mermista powered off the phone, tossing it down onto the couch cushion next to her. “Scammers.” She dug into the seaweed. “Wanna play again? You can’t be the dragon.”

“Can I be the pirate?”

“Only if you stop torpedoing things.”

“No promises,” said Sea Hawk.

“Ugh,” said Mermista, and selected Play Again.

Mermista picked the water golem again, because the only other female avatar was the princess, and she was, like, so useless. Sea Hawk picked the pirate.

The game dropped them into the abandoned castle terrain with their randomly selected opponents, who had chosen the fox-human-thing and the giant disgusting slug for their avatars.

“Marvelous,” said Sea Hawk, “the slime monster fares terribly with torpedoes—“

“Don’t even think about it,” said Mermista, her water golem wheeling as the fox-human-thing-whatever charged. She blocked it with her trident. “Can you get the—“

Sea Hawk’s avatar disappeared.

“Huh?” said Sea Hawk.

The screen split. Sea Hawk’s pirate was in the turret at the top of the castle. He was now the princess.

“What did you do?” said Mermista.

“I don’t know, I—“

“How did you get up there?”

“I don’t know—“

“Why are you the—“

“I don’t know!”

“Can you get out?” said Mermista. She shot a wave at the slug, and the fox charged. She shot a wave at the fox, and the slug charged. “I need backup.”

“No worries,” said Sea Hawk, “I have just the thing,” and the princess produced a bouquet of roses.

“Helpful,” said Mermista, barely dodging an ooze pellet the slug sent her way.

“No,” said Sea Hawk, “that was supposed to be a—“ He produced another. “A torpedo. Why won’t it—“ A hail of rose bouquets cascaded down.

“Try something else.” Mermista ducked under a weaponized fox whisker. “Let me shoot a message to the other team so they know we’re glitching—“

“Hi _ -ya,”  _ said Sea Hawk, shooting a stream of rose petals.

“Having…technical…difficulties…partner…is…useless...” Mermista murmured as she typed.

“Not to fear, my sweet,” said Sea Hawk, “I still have  _ projectiles.” _

A small, fluffy animal—like, a bunny, a squirrel, or something—appeared in the princess’ hand, and she immediately chucked it out the open window. It sailed out and disappeared with a squeak. Sea Hawk gasped in horror.

“You just, like, slaughtered that cute animal,” said Mermista.

“No,” said Sea Hawk, “I have to resurrect it—Mermista, I didn’t mean to—“

“That’s, like, animal cruelty, you just—“

“MERMISTA—I didn’t—I’m sorry—will you ever forgive me?”

“No,” said Mermista.

The screen dinged with the other team’s reply.

“We challenge you,” Mermista read, “for the honor of Sea Hawk—oh, no…”

Sea Hawk, searching for his spell menu, looked up. “Hmm?”

“There’s no way you have,” said Mermista, “two exes who would go by…” She squinted. “Burgerbuster3476 and betterburgerbuster3477, right?”

Sea Hawk gasped again.

“Oh,” he said.

“Ugh,” said Mermista. 

The burger busters circled her, closing in. She used a water bomb to blast them back.

“They aren’t interested in me,” said Sea Hawk. He hadn’t found the princess’ spell menu, but he had found her wardrobe, and was trying on dresses with renewed enthusiasm. “They’re interested in each other.”

“What?”

“They fought over me to get each other’s attention.” He shrugged, swapping his mink fur muffs for more ethical cotton gloves. “If you can get them to realize their feelings for each other, they might leave you alone.”

Mermista frowned.

“Or,” said Mermista, forcing the fox to respawn with a bubble to the head, “I can beat the shit out of them.”

“Or that.” Sea Hawk found a mermaid dress and made a happy noise.

*

The battle raged long into the night.

Sea Hawk made her popcorn when the nori ran out, and then heated up a cheese pizza that had been in her freezer for, like, forever, and they were going to share it, but he let her eat the whole thing. Then she suggested ice cream, and ate all of that too. Gaming was hard, okay? Mermista had only ever done it casually. So beating the slug and the fox took a little longer than she would have liked. And longer than that.

Sea Hawk fell asleep at about 2 am. His head ended up kind of on her shoulder, and by 3 am it was sort of completely in her lap.

At 4:30, Mermista gave up. She typed out a message— _ why are you fighting for Sea Hawk? It’s obvious you like each other better— _ and sent it.

The slug and the fox stopped. They were frozen for several seconds. Then they disappeared.

Burgerbuster3476 and betterburgerbuster3477 have left the game, the screen informed her.

“Well, that was easy,” said Mermista. 

She dropped the controller and stared down at the head on her legs. Sea Hawk let out a rattling snore. His mouth was smushed against her leg, and he was drooling.

“Ew,” said Mermista.

She managed to wriggle free without waking him up. She stood, trying not to look at him lying there on the couch, sprawled out like a starfish with his hair mussed and his shirt untucked from the gold belt—riding up, revealing a strip of tanned skin. The jacket had long since been discarded.

Mermista padded into the bedroom, the floor cold on her bare feet. She pulled all the blankets off the bed and carried them over to the couch.

As she laid them carefully on top of him, he stirred. Mermista froze, but Sea Hawk showed no sign of waking up.

Mermista smiled.

“Good night, you goober,” she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments, they mean the world <3


	5. Bonus Round

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Posting early? Impossible.

“Mermista!”

“Hey, Perfuma. Sorry about last night, I got really tired after I came back from…work. I just crashed.”

“It’s fine!”

Mermista let out a breath.

“I understand,” Perfuma continued. “You must have been exhausted. I wanted to invite you to movie night—tonight, at my apartment! Do you want to come?”

“What’s the movie?”

“Murder on the Orient Express,” said Perfuma.

“Yes,” said Mermista.

“Mermista?” came drowsily from the living room.

“Fuck,” said Mermista. “I’ll call you back.”

“What? Why—“

She hung up and strolled into the living room, where Sea Hawk was blinking awake underneath a small mountain of blankets.

Mermista folded her arms.

“If you slept any longer,” she said, “I was going to pour a bucket of icy water over your head.”

Sea Hawk processed the words slowly. “That would have been invigorating,” he said. “But I’m glad you didn’t. Where did…” He ran his fingers over the blankets.

“Nowhere,” said Mermista. “There’s coffee in the kitchen.”

He continued to blink. “Ah…eggs. Toast?”

“No, you mooch. Get out.”

Sea Hawk sat up, setting the blankets aside and attempting to stuff his shirt back into his belt. “When can I see you again?”

Mermista ground her teeth against  _ whenever you want. _

“Not tonight,” she said. “I’m, like, really busy tonight. Some other time.” 

“Tomorrow?”

“Ugh. Maybe.” She shoved him bodily towards the door.

“I’ll call you!” Sea Hawk sang.

“Whatever,” said Mermista.

*

They all had their roles.

Perfuma invited the gang. Bow made small talk during awkward silences. Frosta told stories about kids at school that made them all feel mature and put together. Glimmer brought sparkling water, and Mermista brought regular water and poured it into a little cup for Entrapta. Adora brought chips and provided eye candy. Catra wasn’t invited, but they managed to skate over the gap with sheer force of will, and also practice. 

It was nice. It was balanced. They had a system.

“Scorpia!” Perfuma exclaimed.

“What is  _ she  _ doing here?” said Mermista.

She liked Scorpia. Tolerated Scorpia. Whatever. But Scorpia had no business in the friend group. The friend group was Mermista’s sanctuary.

She didn’t expect Scorpia’s eyes to narrow, too.

“What’s  _ she  _ doing here?” Scorpia spat.

Mermista took a step back. “Uh, what?”

Perfuma stared at Scorpia. She followed Scorpia’s furious gaze to Mermista and back again, her eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

“You’ve got a problem with me?” said Mermista.

Scorpia cracked her knuckles. Mermista took another step back.

“Yeah,” said Scorpia. “I do.”

Perfuma clutched her arm. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“Perfuma, babe, sweetie, darling, light of my life,” said Scorpia, “I love you, I respect you—stay out of this.”

She extracted her arm gently from Perfuma’s grasp and strode forward. Mermista took a third step back and hit the coffee table.

“I don’t like the way you’ve been treating my friend,” said Scorpia. “And as an honorary member of the Seven Evil Exes, it is my duty to challenge you to a wrestling match.”

_ “What?”  _ said Bow, Perfuma, Frosta, Adora, Glimmer and Mermista in unison.

“You dated Sea Hawk?” said Mermista incredulously.

“You’ve been seeing Sea Hawk?” said Perfuma to Mermista.

“Who the hell is Sea Hawk?” said Glimmer.

“Ooh,” said Bow, “can we meet him?”

“Sea Hawk is my best friend,” said Scorpia. “And although we have never dated and I find him extremely unattractive due to being a lesbian, I joined the League of Evil Exes so I could help supervise the people he was dating.”

“That’s, like, super invasive,” said Mermista.

“It was his idea,” said Scorpia. “Not the Evil Exes, but having me join them. Sea Hawk and I…” She sighed, her big shoulders dropping. “We get rejected a lot. We met at a tennis match for LGBTQ singles. We were the last two people to get picked for teams.”

“That’s stupid,” said Mermista. “You’re so buff.”

“Apparently my victory hugs are suffocating,” said Scorpia wearily.

“Is anybody going to explain what’s going on?” said Perfuma in the high-pitched voice that meant she needed to meditate, and fast.

“Mermista’s been dating Sea Hawk,” said Scorpia.

“No, I haven’t,” said Mermista on instinct.

“Really? Then explain  _ this _ ,” said Scorpia, and held out her phone.

103 missed texts from Sea Hawk

SCORPIA SHE IS MY EVERYTHING

HER EYES ARE LIKE THE SEA

MERMISTA KISSED ME

I COULD SING

I SHALL

WRITE BACK TO ME

THIS IS MONUMENTAL NEWS

I HAVE LOCKED LIPS WITH MY PRINCESS OF THE SEA—

Mermista shuddered and shoved the phone away.

“Okay, fine,” she said. “I kissed him once—“

“Gross,” said Frosta.

“Then I have to fight you,” said Scorpia.

“But,” said Mermista. She stared dismally at Scorpia’s muscles. “I don’t want to fight you.”

“Sorry, hon,” said Scorpia. “Square up.”

Scorpia rolled her shoulders, and the gang was blown back into the corners of the room. She flexed her biceps, and a wrestling ring rose from the floor, dark red and shiny, bristling with spikes.

“Woah,” said Bow.

“How did you do that?” said Glimmer.

“With the power of friendship,” said Scorpia.

“It appears to be some sort of exoskeleton,” said Entrapta. “Formulated from thin air…oh, this is very exciting!”

“Shut up,” Mermista groaned.

She was on one side. Scorpia was on the other.

They circled the ring slowly, revolving like two spokes of a wheel, eyes locked.

“Sea Hawk and I aren’t dating,” said Mermista. “And even if we were, even if it were your business, I don’t get why you would have a problem with it.”

Scorpia dove to tackle Mermista. Mermista dodged, but Scorpia’s hand wrapped around her wrist like a pincer and held fast, twisting her arm behind her back so Mermista screamed. 

“I heard you tell Perfuma that he was annoying,” said Scorpia, as though they were discussing the best places to get freshwater pearls.

“He is annoying,” Mermista yelled. She stomped hard on Scorpia’s foot.

“Hey,” said Scorpia, aggrieved. Her grip on Mermista’s arm tightened. “That’s not fair. There are rules to wrestling, you know.”

Mermista twisted and wrenched free. “I don’t care about the rules.” She shoved Scorpia with all her strength, but Scorpia was immovable. “My life is none of your fucking business.”

“You lied to Perfuma about what you were doing last night,” said Scorpia. 

“What?” said Perfuma.

Scorpia jumped at Mermista. Mermista swerved out of the way.

“Yeah, so?” said Mermista.

“Are you embarrassed to introduce him to your friends?”

“Yes,” said Mermista.

“That’s so hurtful!”

Mermista flushed. “So what?”

Scorpia advanced, and Mermista retreated. Around and around the ring they went. “Do you even care about his feelings?” said Scorpia.

“He’s an idiot.”

“Do you?”

“No.”

Scorpia charged, and Mermista tried to get out of the way, but Scorpia was big and fast and the next thing Mermista knew Scorpia had an arm around her neck and was forcing her down. Mermista’s legs wobbled under the pressure.

“I don’t understand you,” said Scorpia. “I joined the Evil Exes so that Sea Hawk would never fall for anyone else who didn’t value him. Who wasn’t willing to fight for him.”

“I’m literally fighting for him,” said Mermista, “like, right now.”

“Do you love him?” Scorpia demanded.

“Ew, no!”

Mermista’s left knee buckled and hit the ground.

“Do you like him?”

“No,” said Mermista. “He’s weird and annoying and he won’t stop singing and he sets everything on fire—“

Mermista’s other knee crashed down, and Scorpia threw her full weight on Mermista’s back, pinning her to the ground.

“Then why,” said Scorpia, quietly, into Mermista’s ear, “are you doing this?”

Blood pounded in Mermista’s ears like the crashing of water on the rocks.

“Uh,” she said. “For fun. Obviously.”

All of a sudden, the weight was gone. Mermista looked up.

“What?” she said.

Scorpia looked down at her. “You lost.”

*

Mermista had to dig the emergency ice cream out of the emergency freezer where it had been stored in the event of, like, an apocalypse.

Ugh. It had been such a good day.

Everything sucked especially because Sea Hawk’s incessant stream of just-checking-in texts had halted abruptly, and then he had sent a short message.

I heard what happened

And then, five minutes later:

I don’t think we should see each other for a while

It bothered Mermista more than was strictly reasonable, mostly because this was Sea Hawk. Of all the people to get mad at her, to judge her, to leave her—

She had been so  _ careful.  _

Mermista nearly jumped out of her skin when the phone rang. 

“Hey, water girl,” said Catra.

Mermista groaned.

Catra’s smirk was palpable. “I’m calling in my favor.”

“Ugh,” said Mermista. “What do you want?”

“I’m coming over,” said Catra. “To swaddle you in blankets and, y’know. Spoon-feed you ice cream.” She paused. “Or else.”

Mermista betrayed herself with a sniffle. 

“Whatever,” she said.

*

“Beep, beep,” Catra deadpanned. “Coming through.”

“Ugh,” said Mermista, and opened her mouth. Catra stuck in a spoon laden with cookies n’ cream. “Mm.”

Mermista chewed and swallowed rapidly as Catra dug for another spoonful.

“I’m not sad,” said Mermista. “I didn’t even like him. It’s just so annoying.”

“Mm-hmm. Say ‘ah.’”

“Why?” said Mermista, and Catra shoved the spoon in again. “Stop,” Mermista mumbled around it, glaring.

“You’re better off,” said Catra.

Mermista pulled the spoon out of her mouth with an audible pop. “Uh, obviously. He’s an idiot.”

“He’s  _ such  _ an idiot,” said Catra.

They looked at each other. Catra’s differently colored eyes were bright with fierce emotion.

“What does he expect?” she said. “I mean, what, you’re going to go chasing after him, saying, A—“ Her nose wrinkled. “Sea Hawk, I love you, I need you, in my life, I don’t know what it would—what it would be like without you in it.”

Mermista squinted at her.

“So, like,” said Mermista, “are we just not going to mention how you’re clearly not talking about me anymore?”

“Shut up,” said Catra.

Mermista stole the container of ice cream and plunged the spoon deep into it.

“How can you tell someone something like that?” said Catra. “How can you put that on them? Isn’t it better to just—“ 

She sighed. 

“If they’re going to leave,” she said, “let them.”

“Whatever,” said Mermista. “It’s not like I need him.”

“No,” Catra agreed distractedly. “You don’t need anyone.”

“I don’t even care.”

“Who cares?”

“I didn’t even like him. I was just,” said Mermista, “just…lonely.”

Catra didn’t answer. They sat in silence for a long time.

“Love sucks, y’know?” said Catra.

“Ugh. Tell me about it,” said Mermista.


	6. Game Over

Perfuma was ignoring her. Ugh.

Mermista had called her twice, to apologize or whatever, and gotten an answering machine. “Leave a message after the tone!” As if. Mermista wasn’t totally desperate.

It was the middle of the afternoon. Mermista was at work, and Sea Hawk was drunk. He kept texting her things like YOU HAVE WOUNDED ME FOREVER, SIREN and I’M GOING TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIEND BILL NOW. 

WE’RE GOING TO HAVE LOTS OF FUN AND BE REALLY COOL LIKE THE COOL PEOPLE WE ARE. 

YOU’RE NOT INVITED.

Mermista considered blocking his number, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Sea Hawk was annoying, but at least he was entertaining.

Mermista was a waitress, and, like, really good at her job. She could wait tables in her sleep. She took on the extra load the other loser waiters pawned off on her, and managed it with ease and grace. The only thing she wasn’t good at was being. Like. Charming.

So she was a little surprised when some guy asked for her number. But he was good-looking enough, and different from Sea Hawk in every way, polished and poised, serious. Mermista gave it to him.

He called her later that day.

“Uh,” said Mermista, “who is this?”

“You know who it is.”

“Um—“

“The Dragon’s Daughter. Eight.”

“Wait—“

He hung up.

“What the fuck?” said Mermista.

She wasn’t sure if she should dress for a date or a robbery—the two were very different styles—so she hedged her bets. A black turtleneck with a diamond boob window and long, flowing dark blue pants would do nicely. A gold starfish necklace dangled from her neck.

The man was lurking outside the door to the Dragon’s Daughter, talking to the guard. He had on a very nice, classy blue vest with gold trim.

“Ah,” he said. “Mermista.”

“How do you know my name?” said Mermista. 

He chuckled. “I’m Bill.” He held out a hand.

Mermista frowned. The name was strangely familiar, but she couldn’t place it.

“Care for a drink?” said the man.

“I guess,” said Mermista.

He led her inside, his hand firm on the small of her back. They sat at the far end of the bar, where the crowd thinned to a few.

Bill ordered a martini for each of them, and Mermista didn’t argue. She liked the olives.

“I’m sure you already know why I requested this meeting,” said Bill.

“Yeah,” said Mermista. “Totally.”

“I wanted to give you a warning.”

Mermista frowned.

“Your drinks,” said the bartender.

“Thank you,” said Bill.

“Why are you warning me?” said Mermista.

“I’ll put it plain and simple. I saw you.” He smiled like a shark. “I liked you.”

Mermista shivered.

“This isn’t a murder mystery,” she said. “Vague and ominous warnings are so Tommy and Tuppence.”

“You’re right,” said Bill. “There’s been no murder.” He leaned in. “Yet.”

Mermista gaped. Lightning flashed outside, thunder crashing only a moment later.

“What are you saying?” said Mermista.

“You’ve been seeing a man called Sea Hawk,” said Bill.

“Ugh.” Mermista rolled her eyes. “What does he have to do with this?”

“Maybe nothing. Maybe everything,” said Bill. “Maybe…something.” Another lightning flash. “Do you intend to continue your pursuit of Sea Hawk?”

“You’re, like, way off,” said Mermista. “I lost already. To Scorpia.”

Bill’s sculpted brow furrowed. “Scorpia? She doesn’t have the authority to defeat you. She’s only an honorary ex.”

“Really?”

“Do you wish to continue your pursuit of Sea Hawk?”

“I was never pursuing—“ Mermista began, then stopped. She sighed.

“No,” she said.

“You surrender?”

She shrugged. “Whatever.”

“In that case,” said Bill, “would you like to join our ranks and become an evil ex yourself?”

“What? No!”

“You don’t wish to prevent another from conquering him?”

“Ugh,” said Mermista. “I could not care less who Sea Hawk dates. Just leave me alone.”

“You don’t—“

Mermista slammed her hand down on the bar, making their martinis rattle. “Newsflash, big guy,” she snarled. “Stopping him from dating anyone else isn’t going to make him love you. He doesn’t. He won’t.”

Bill’s face darkened.

“I see,” he said. 

He stood swiftly, taking his glass with him. Mermista stared down at her olive.

“If you’re not interested,” said Bill behind her, “then I suppose we’ll keep him.”

“What?” said Mermista, and turned, but he was already gone.

She rummaged in her purse for her phone.

76 missed texts from Stupid

With a groan, Mermista scrolled through to the most recent.

8:13 p.m.

BILL IS TALLER NOW

Mermista froze.

“There’s more than one Bill,” she muttered. “I bet there’s lots of Bills…”

HE HAS A COOL SCAR NOW THAT MAKES HIM EVEN COOLER

he didn’t have a scar

8:17 p.m.

this might not be bill 

8:25 p.m.

NO, THIS ISN’T BILL

*

“Leave a message after the tone!” said Perfuma.

“It’s Mermista,” said Mermista. “I need your help.”

She hung up. Perfuma called her back immediately.

“I’m still very mad at you,” said Perfuma.

“Ugh. I know. I—“ Mermista sighed. “I messed up. I’m sorry.”

Perfuma was silent for a moment.

“I forgive you,” she said.

There was a twinkling sound, and a trident appeared in Mermista’s hand.

“What the fuck?” said Mermista.

“What?” said Perfuma.

The trident was sharp on the ends and featherlight, made of some silvery-blue metal. THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP was engraved on the handle.

“I’m just going to,” said Mermista, “worry about that later. Perfuma, Sea Hawk’s gone.”

“What?”

“He isn’t answering my calls, or my texts, and I know it sounds, like, really stupid and paranoid, but I think—“

“He’s been kidnapped?” Perfuma screeched. “I’ll get the van. I can be there in five minutes if I speed.”

“Thank you,” said Mermista.

*

Mermista met Perfuma in the garage of the apartment complex. She had managed to hide most of the trident in her trench coat, but its silvery-blue spikes poked out of the top and some of the handle poked out of the bottom, so she had gotten some weird looks on the way down. Mermista found that she, like, really couldn’t care less what people thought of her right now.

Perfuma was standing next to her hippie van, which Mermista loved because Perfuma had let her spray paint a dolphin on the side.

“We’re going to find him,” said Perfuma. “What do you have in your coat?”

“I’ll explain on the way,” said Mermista. She snatched the keys from Perfuma’s hand and fit them in the lock.

“Where are we going?”

Mermista yanked the car door open. “Salineas.”

“Okay,” said Perfuma, and hopped into the passenger’s seat.

*

“So you have a trident now.”

“Yeah.”

“And Sea Hawk’s been captured by a person who’s not Bill.”

“Yeah.”

“But Bill’s in on it.”

“Yeah.”

“We’re going to sneak into Salineas to find him.”

“Yes.”

“What I don’t understand,” said Perfuma, “is how you could date someone and not like them.”

“UGH,” said Mermista, slamming her head down on the wheel so the van emitted a piercing HONK.

“All I’m saying is—“

“I know what you’re saying.”

“If you really disliked him like you said you did—“

“Stop.”

“You can’t have—“

“Talking.”

“And now you’re riding to his rescue? Doesn’t that give off some mixed—“

“I know—“

“You didn’t have to call him again after the first—“

“I liked him, okay?” Mermista yelled, so loudly that Perfuma was shocked into silence.

The van rattled along the road.

“I liked him,” Mermista, because it had felt so good the first time, like a brick lifted out from inside her chest, but now it was stifling. “You don’t date someone if you don’t like them. Of course I liked him. But I didn’t—I didn’t want you to know.”

“Why?”

“Because it wasn’t going to last. It wasn’t going to work. Okay? It was just—ugh. Whatever.” Her eyes were fixed on the road. “It wasn’t like it meant anything.”

“Why not?”

Mermista groaned. “He’s not—he’s—“ She sighed. “He—“

“Take your time,” said Perfuma.

“Aaagh,” said Mermista. “Urgh. Gah.”

She changed lanes and took a deep breath.

“I really, really,” she said, “really don’t want to talk about it.”

*

They stood in the plaza in the middle of Salineas, where costumed characters such as Sally the Seagull and Octavia Octopus sweat in the sun giving autographs to scores of squealing children.

“Aww,” said Perfuma. “Look at the kids!”

“Ew,” said Mermista. “Kids.”

“Where do you think he is?”

“I don’t know.”

“You said he was—“

“I don’t know anything. Okay?”

Her eyes found Perfuma’s, and Perfuma’s were calm and kind.

“We’re going to find him,” said Perfuma. “Let’s think about this like Hercule Poirot would.” She scrunched up her face. “Where were you when the murder happened?”

“I was with Bill. At the Dragon’s Daughter.”

“And what does that tell us?” said Perfuma. “That tells us…it tells us that…it doesn’t tell us anything. Okay. Where was I when the murder happened?”

“I don’t—“

Something tapped Mermista’s shoulder. She whirled around. It was Sally the Seagull.

“Are you Mermista?” said Sally the Seagull, muffled by her huge seagull headpiece. 

Mermista pushed Sally’s beak out of her face. “Yeah, why?”

“They took him. He’s in the Watery Grave,” said Sally. “He said he wanted me to tell you that he always—“

“Perfuma, come ON,” said Mermista, grabbing Perfuma’s hand and running.

“HEY, WAIT,” said Sally, “I WASN’T FINISHED,” but Mermista was already gone.

*

By the time they reached the Watery Grave, it was up in flames. 

Mermista yelled out, “SEA HAWK,” shouldered her trident, and sprinted forward. Perfuma screamed.

“Mermista,” she screamed, “wait—“

A man stumbled out of the wreck. He was covered in soot. His moustache was burned clean off, and his shirt was singed strategically to best showcase his abs. 

“MERMISTA,” Sea Hawk cried.

Mermista dropped the trident, and he flung himself into her arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All is not yet resolved...if I can’t fit it all into one more chapter I might up the chapter count...we’ll see!  
> Comments are a girl’s best friend!!  
> (Oh, to run out of a burning building and into Mermista’s arms...)


End file.
